


Though We’re Only Made of Metal

by RoseCathy



Category: Red Dwarf
Genre: Characters Writing Fanfiction, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-03
Updated: 2015-03-03
Packaged: 2018-03-16 03:54:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 758
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3473450
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RoseCathy/pseuds/RoseCathy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kryten is the universe’s biggest (only?) fan of the soap opera Androids. When the drudgery of life on Starbug begins to get to him, he tries his hand at writing fanfiction.<br/>Thank you to <a href="http://strictlybuttersideup.tumblr.com/post/108971103402">Strictlybuttersideup</a> for the wonderful idea.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Though We’re Only Made of Metal

Kelly took another long drag from her elegant cigarette holder. She knew that the longer she did this, the more work her maid Rita would have to do later. That was just fine with her, for she suspected Rita of sneaking into Brook’s office at night, ostensibly to give it a deep cleaning, but actually for the purpose of seducing him with her highly advanced groinal attachments.

On the other hand, the way she went on about the new state-of-the-art 15-in-1 steam cleaner, maybe she would enjoy cleaning up the small mountain of ashes. Maybe she would sing a cheerful little tune. What 4000 Series wouldn’t enjoy restoring a floor to its original gleam, mopping and hoovering until every last speck of dust

“Kryten?”

every last speck of dust disappeared into the depths of

“Kryten, man, you all right?”

depths of…“Oh, hello, Mr Lister. I didn’t see you come in.”

Mr Lister’s knife and fork paused in mid-air. “I’ve been here the whole time.”

“Oh, er, of course you have, sir,” Kryten said hastily. “Would you like me to cut up that omelette for you?”

depths of the…

He couldn’t think of a good descriptive phrase for the 15-in-1 steam cleaner, which was his own creation; 14-in-1 was the most comprehensive he’d encountered in real life. He wasn’t entirely sure of the design, but it would certainly be lightweight and streamlined, with a scratch-proof finish…

  


Kelly couldn’t believe it. She hadn’t wanted to believe it. However, it was hardly possible to deny it when it was happening in front of her very infrared sensors: Two bodies very, very close together, moving up and down and sideways just beyond the door.

“Oh, Rita, you naughty girl.” Brook wasn’t even bothering to keep his voice down. It was unbearable. Should she burst in on them? One good punch with her left hand, on which she wore an assortment of diamond rings (all gifts from Brook, ugh), should do it.

But wait! She had a better idea. She would hit Brook where it really hurt. Office doors could be replaced. His business, on the other hand

“Watch where you’re going, Eraser Head!” Cat shrieked. “You’ll get coffee on my belt if you’re not careful!”

  


Kryten could tell that Mr Lister was depressed. Despondent. Ah — a good word, _despondent._ That was how Brook would feel after finding out that Kelly had betrayed all of his trade secrets to Gary. At any rate, there was Mr Lister to consider before he picked his story back up.

“How are you feeling, sir? Would you care for some more of my fortifying broth?”

“No, thanks,” Mr Lister mumbled. “I know what’s in it.”

Kryten sat down next to him on his bed. “What seems to be the problem, sir? Anything I can help with?”

“Do you ever…feel lost? Like…your old mates from the Nova 5, after they’d - you know, gone, did you ever feel like you didn’t know what to do with yourself?”

“Oh, I was distraught, sir, don’t you remember? I didn’t know what to do with myself if I couldn’t serve them. Mr Rimmer soon gave me an outlet, of course, before you showed me those movies. Ah, those were the days, weren’t they?”

It might have been his imagination, but the corners of Mr Lister’s mouth seemed to turn downward midway through the reminiscence. “That’s not exactly what I meant. Thanks, though.”

“Of course, sir.”

“You still love Androids, though, don’t you?”

“Oh, yes, sir. It’s a fascinating study of dysfunction, although I find at times that it under-explains the characters’ motivations for behaving so badly.”

  


Gary was every bit as repulsive as Kelly remembered. “I knew you’d come back to me,” he gloated. “I knew you couldn’t stay away.”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” she snapped. “Don’t go thinking for one minute that I’ve pined for you, or that I’ve been lost without you. This is strictly business.”

“Right. Business. That’s why Brook needs to find out that Brook Jr should really be named Gary Jr.”

“That is not - you don’t know that that’s true!”

“You don’t know that it’s not,” Gary chortled. “I know you, Kelly. We were together for 2,518.89 days. Admit it — you were already planning to tell him.”

Kelly hated that he was right. Leaked trade secrets weren’t enough to bring Brook and his company to their knees. She imagined him sat at his desk after her bombshell, despondent and unable to do any work. Her spotless stainless-steel cheeks grew hot with delight.

**Fin**


End file.
